Mindful Living

I just want to see hum. I just want to spend some time wit him.

So I was only supposed to get the biy to cash my checks. Well somehow I ended up drinking @ Zebra. Lydia just kept refilling my drink. I only paid for the first one. I remember making out wit the boy then he was waking me up to drive me home. I do remember talking to Jordon.

This weekend was awful. I not only had bad news on Saturday but I also got bad news on Sunday too. I deserve this.

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY.

I was sitting watching Maddox play in the bathtub. I was so overwhelmed wit how much I love him... tears fell from my eyes. I find myself watching him alot. Im fascinated wit the way he interacts wit his surroundings. I remember doing the same wit Jolie. I love my children.
I dont understand how some moms and dads dont even take care of their children. I heard someone say today how the girl was bitching because she had to "BABYSIT" her own kids! The dad has custody of them because she rather party. HELLO?! THEY ARE YOU'RE KIDS... ITS NOT CALLED BABYSITTING, ITS CALLED TAKING CARE OF or BEING A PARENT! I would hate to be away from Jojo & Maddi for more than one day!
Maddi was just giggling at me, wit all his lil teeth showing & his head thrown back... it fills me wit Joy tpo hear him laugh! Now thats LOVE.

It has been on my mind a lot this past year. Most of my friends are married or have been married. Im 25 and have never really even came close. I spent most of my life wit Chris and he never even asked me! I honestly think Im not marriage material! Fuck, I always get dumped! Im rarely the dumper. I always believe somehow we can work things out. If I do ever get married, its going to be my only marriage and I will do anything & everything 2 make it work! Whats the point of going through all of that to have it fall apart?! Everyone I know who is currently married is not happy in their marriage. They are either cheating, want out or hate the person that are married to... pretty much, they are unhappy! When I was younger, I didnt believe in marriage. I didnt think you needed a piece of paper to prove you loved someone. But now that Im getting older... I wish I could find my soulmate. I wish I could find someone to spend the rest of my life wit. Im ready to settle down. Its just scares me. Because so many of my friends have been married & divorced [or separated]. Some are even married & divorced a 2nd or third time. If I ever do find my soulmate and decide to get married... it will be til death do we part. I will give it my all. I will try my hardest to make it work. So I know that my soulmate will HAVE TO feel the same way. If he's not serious, then I wont say "I do." If I even have one ounce of a feeling he isnt serious & wont meet me half way... then I guess I will never marry! If he is, fuck- I might propose to him myself!

MyYearBook is pissing me off! I know Im not supposed to get mad over internet girls. Its fine that Aaron gets gifts and stickers from girls. But when he bids and buys their photos... that hurts!

I must say Aaron is a keeper! I come home yesterday to a box sitting on the chair I put my purse on. Its says "ProFlowers". I open it to find a dozen red roses in an big funky red vase! It said "Happy Valentine's Day Sweetheart. Love Papa." So he gave me my card early too. I almost cried. I have NEVER received a dozen roses from anyone!
My parents gave me flowers when I gave birth to my kids. I think Chris gave me a yellow rose for V-Day in 10th grade. And Dan gave me a fake rose in 9th grade.
Today the kids and I went to the YMCA. I worked on my abs and legs. Aaron is giving Jolie a bathing suit so we can go swimming next time. Charity never brought Jolie's suit back from the beach last summer. Aaron and Hunter didnt even leave for the Y til we were done and leaving the Y.
Ashes is in town. So we need to meet each other's hubbys.

I seek refuge in yr heart
refuge from my mind
wit passing time
the line becomes less defined
yr body and mind intertwined
moving wit rhyme
melting into you
spiritual bliss
the final feeling of being home
Ive become addicted to yr perfect kiss
not what I predicted
you re still here
conquer this fear
of being alone
everyday these feelings grow
you, I need
the only one I want to know.

MDK 02/01/2009

I made it to work in this awful weather. HRDC NEVER CLOSED! There could be a blizzard and we would still have to come to work!
I am hoping I can see my sweetie tonight. I hope Im not too exhausted and it doesnt snow anymore! We have been talking bout things some more. I want him to come to a therapy session wit me.

I love the days when I can spend an hour in the Serenity Room at ACM to start the day. Doesnt happen more than once a week. Wish I had somewhere else to meditate.
Im thinking bout going back to school in the fall for massage therapy. Im reading up on Reiki and am very intrigued. Thats what I really want to do.
Went to school wit Jolie today and spend the rest of my money on her @ the Book Fair. Reading is so important! I can only hope she'll love books half as much as I do! We always have a pile of books from the library. I am constantly buying her new ones. Of course, my nose is always in a book!
I find it hilarious... that I fall in love wit someone whom is Dyslexic and doesnt read at all! Aaron has a tv/dvd addiction! He owns at least 400 DVDs! I can probably match him in books! We are such an odd pair! But I love him dearly!
Dont get me wrong, I love movies too! I love reading more! I love to learn the most!

Getting ready to leave soon. Freedom.

I am finally going to have a kid-free day. Im dropping both kids off at Susan's tomorrow after 3pm and I have to pick them up before 3pm on Sunday. So Aaron and I will both be kid-free and can do whatever we want! It will be so wonderful! I can finally spend the night and not have to worry bout any kids. : ) Im am so grateful to Susan. I will cherish every lil moment wit my baby. Im just going to be happy to stay in wit him and not have to worry bout getting home to the kids. Or mom calling me saying Maddox is awake I have to come home. Or having to be home at 6am before the kids are awake! Beautiful. <3

Im lucky. No matter what I do... Aaron wont leave me. He must really love me. WOW. He is the best! Someone who loves me for me. I dont need anything or want anything for Christmas except for a night alone wit him... not having to worry bout getting home to the kids. So a babysitter would be nice? Overnight. : )
I have so much wrapping to get done! Jolie will only be at Head Start from 12:00 to 3:00pm. Maddi will be here but maybe napping. If not, I will have to do it tonight. I couldnt even keep my eyes open last night. So I went to bed early.
UGH.
I missed my therapy appointment. : (

TODAY IS JOLIE'S 5TH BDAY PARTY. ITS AT JERRY'S PIZZA IN THE MALL. ANYONE IS WELCOME TO COME CELEBRATE WIT US. THE PIZZA IS ONLY FOR THE KIDS. BUT THERE WILL BE ENOUGH CAKE FOR EVERYONE. THERE BETTER BE! IM SPENDING $50 ON IT!!! IT HAS TINKERBELL ON IT. IM LETTING JOJO WEAR HER TINKERBELL COSTUME. THEN I CAN TAKE THE KIDS PHOTOS WIT HER. I WILL MAKE A KEEPSAKE FOR EACH KID. BUT I WILL HAVE TO GET THEM TO THEM AFTER THE HOLIDAYS. MOM IS OUT GETTING THE TABLECLOTH, ETC. IM TO PICK THE CAKE UP AT 4:30PM. THE PARTY STARTS AT 5 UNTIL 7PM. DONT FEEL OBLIGATED TO BRING A PRESENT IF YOU CANT AFFORD ONE. JUST DROP IN TO WISH HER A HAPPY BDAY! TRUST ME SHE WILL GET ENOUGH! THERE'S 15-20 KIDS COMING. 50 PEOPLE IN ALL. WHEW! TODAY WILL BE EXHAUSTING.

I have the best boy ever! : )

I have lost of my friends. The ones who actually cared bout when I drowned myself in my drug use and depression. And I lost the so-called ones who were my partners in sin. When I put down the needle and walked away, I lost them. I miss the ones who really cared. I dont miss the others. I am slowly learning how to love and care again. Thanks to Aaron. Now I need to work on building new friendships... as soon as I find some friends.
I do have a few I made at school and a few who have always been there. Thank you.


Must get ready and get the munchkins ready for family photos.

I have a couple holiday traditions I like to do wit my kids. I love baking so I enjoy making Christmas cookies. I also enjoy Christmas Eve church service because I love singing Christmas hymns. Besides singing along in the car, we dont get to sing them much. Its not really safe or welcomed to go Christmas caroling.

Wow. Its been forever since Ive updated this. I forgot I had it! This past year Ive hit rock bottom! But now Ive climbed all the way to the top! And I am on top! Im graduating from Allegany College of Maryland with a degree in Phlebotomy & EKG on December 19th at 8pm. Whoohoo! I did it! I am in love wit someone who is in love wit me! Aaron Dickson is my soulmate. He loves to listen to me talk! I am a Gemini and I love to talk! He knows everything bout me... all the good and the bad and loves me for the person I am! I am happy! My kids are the best! Jolie is having her ASD closure done on the 17th at 6:30am. ASD is what you may know as a hole in the heart. We've had it scheduled 2 other times and it was canceled. The 1st time something was wrong wit the insurance. The 2nd the doctor had a death in his family. Aaron, Jolie and I are going down to Baltimore on Tuesday the 16th. Staying the night in a hotel so we can be at John Hopkins that early. Anyone who prays, please pray for her and us. She doesnt know she's having the procedure done yet. She thinks she's being put to sleep to have more photos taken of her heart. She's sacred of just having photos taken! I will tell her afterwards that they closed her hole and fixed her heart. Then Saturday is Jolie's 5th birthday party! Any of my friends, are invited! Its at Jerry's Pizza in the mall. The 20th, 5-7pm. Please come! This Friday is my last day of classes. Im so proud of myself. : )